I've Met Dirt Smarter Than You!
by Every-Beet-of-My-Heart
Summary: FREE MITTENS* Need a laugh? Something to occupy yourself? Some witty (or not) comebacks? You've come to the right story! WARNING: major Potter, Dumbledore, and Weasley Bashing! Harry Potter has a stupid twin. First chapter is optional- see warning inside. Twists and turns so confusing and unpredictable I can almost guarantee you'll be lost at one point. *Sorry, no free mittens :(
1. Wand Picking at Ollivander OPTIONAL CHAP

_**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A LOT OF OBESITY! **_

**I've Met Dirt Smarter Than You!**

**(A/N, I've decided that they're ten right now so Andrew can train. And everyone else cause they're pure-bloods.)**

**Chapter 1: Wand picking at Ollivanders. Too Bad You Missed It!**

The Potters had just gone into Ollivanders when the Avalons and the Cauldwells entered the shop. **(A/N the Avalons and Cauldwells know each other but that's it.)** "Ah, Mister Potter, I was wondering when I'd be seeing you." Ollivander smiled at Harry, before turning to Andrew. "And who might you be?" he asked.

Andrew raised his chin and puffed out his chest like a peacock. "I am the boy-who-lived, the savior of the Wizarding World, the very definition of light and power!" He cried. "Where have you been, anyway?" He continued, "Living under a rock or something? Everyone knows who I am!" Andrew's voice was so loud, some reporters outside paused to look at him and figure out what he just said.

Ollivander looked offended. "As a matter of fact, I have been living under a rock. It's very cozy." He sounded sad, but brightened up after saying the last three words.

"Why don't you serve Andrew first?" James Potter said, with Lily nodding her head rapidly.

"Okay, well, Andrew, I need your wand arm." Andrew looked at him questioningly. "Your dominant hand." Ollivander tried again. This time, he got a blank stare.

"The hand you write with, son." James said. Andrew's chubby face was clearly showing that he hadn't the slightest idea what his father was talking about.

"The arm you're most comfortable with, idiot!" Tyler Cauldwell spoke up. Andrew scrunched up his face, looking at his hands, before coming to the conclusion that he's most comfortable with his right arm.

"It's my right arm…I think." The other two families began laughing silently.

"Oh shut up, you incompetent mortal," one of the people in the back snarled viciously. Andrew whirled around angrily.

"Who are you talking to?" he snapped.

"You, stupid, who else?" Elizabeth Avalon spoke as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I already know that I'm stupid," Andrew scoffed.

"Yes, we all do," Tyler drawled in a bored tone. The boy-who-lived turned an interesting shade of purple with rage. "Hmm…Just like my eyes. Except without the gold of course. Just like your pitiful life," the Cauldwell boy snickered.

"Excuse me boy," James Potter interrupted, "Do you know who you're talking to? This is the boy-who-lived and he saved your pathetic life from misery and fear when he was just a baby. We are the Potter family and we have connections that could land you in Azkaban."

The girl with dark hair and green eyes looked at him coolly and replied, "Do you know who _we_ are?" she gestured to herself and the other family behind her. "We are the Avalons and Cauldwells, and we could destroy you if we so desired."

James spluttered, "B-b-but Andrew defeated you-know-who when he was a baby. How could you possibly destroy us?"

"It's easy, all we have to do is flick our wrist, and you disappear off the face of the earth," Tyler paused, as if considering something, before continuing. "But then again, why would we? After all, where would the fun be in life if we took away your son who we would love to torture?"

"That's my boy!" Mr. Cauldwell beamed at him before glaring at the Potters. Ollivander cleared his throat noisily bringing all attention back to him.

"The wands," he explained, "are an important part of Wizarding history." As he said this he realized no one was listening. "Let's move on to the choosing then shall we? Andrew, I wonder…try this. Holly, 11 inches, core of phoenix feather. This particular phoenix gave one other feather, for one other wand. And that wand belonged to the person who gave you that scar." Ollivander said, looking at the 'S' shaped scar on his forehead.

"Well _I _think that the scar doesn't mark him as Voldemort's equal. _I_ think the scar stands for stupid." Tyler said from behind Andrew.

"Whoa! How did you get there?" Andrew asked, bewildered and amazed.

"It's this thing called _walking_. You should try it sometime instead of having people carry you everywhere. I feel bad for them. I mean, you're so fat, they're probably either crippled for life, or dead by now."

"Why, you! You're…you're…you're…"

"So much better than you." Elizabeth Avalon suggested.

"Yeah. You're so much better than me! Ha! Take that!" Andrew growled.

"Gladly. And just for the record, I already knew that." Tyler retorted.

"I'm so proud of you son!" Mrs. Cauldwell sniffed.

"Mister Potter, please try this wand!" Mr. Ollivander said impatiently. Andrew grabbed the wand and flicked it. The back room collapsed. "No, no. definitely not that. Try this one." Ollivander said, handing him another wand. Andrew took it and 'gave it a wave' as Ollivander would say. This time, a whole shelf of wands fell down onto the floor.

"What are those?" Andrew asked, looking at the wands scattered all over the floor.

"Wands, what else? In case you haven't noticed, we're in a wand shop,_ not_ a candy shop or whatever." Tyler said.

"We are?" Andrew asked, wide-eyed.

"Yes, yes we are. Here, take a lollipop." The Cauldwell boy said sarcastically, throwing him a wand. It fell on the floor, thanks to Andrew's inability to catch…or move his feet for that matter. When he picked it up, small red and orange sparks shot out from the tip.

Andrew immediately dropped it and started screaming, "AHH! AHH! HELP! IT'S ON FIRE! THE LOLLIPOP IS ON FIRE! IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME! HELP! AHH!"

"_**SHUT UP!**_" Elizabeth Avalon shouted. The shop became deathly silent. "Thank you." She said.

"How peculiar…" Ollivander murmured, looking at the wand.

"What do you mean peculiar? How is my lollipop,"

"Wand." Tyler coughed inconspicuously.

"Peculiar? What does peculiar mean?"

"It is not a lollipop. It is a wand, and peculiar means…curious. It is peculiar because that wand…it's pine, 10 inches, with a core of…core of…" Ollivander trailed off.

"Core of what? A phoenix feather? Something _super_ powerful right?" Andrew asked.

"Core of ogre armpit hair."

"WHAT?" Four Potters, three Avalons, and three Cauldwells all yelled simultaneously.

"I always knew that pathetic slab of fat who, for some idiotic reason is considered a human being, was stupid and ugly, but this? This is just too good to be true!" Tyler cackled. Tyler's mood improved even more when he saw the Savior of the Wizarding World still trying to process what he was saying (**A/N a look into Andrew's mind)** _Hmmm…what he says? I doont knew. He say… "I…knew…pathetic…fat…idiot…human…true." _**(A/N in other words, he thinks that he said **_**I knew I was a pathetic, fat, idiot. I'm not even HUMAN! It's true.") **_

"I know right?" Andrew smiled. Everyone stared at him blankly.

"Moving on from _that_ crazy," Ollivander said, looking at Tyler. **(A/N meaning Andrew of course)** "Let's go to the other Mr. Potter." Harry, wanting to show his parents that he was more powerful than his idiotic twin, grabbed the first wand Andrew had tried. He instantly felt warmth flow through his body, and, by slashing the wand in a short downward motion, saw a thin white line form a small stag where his wand was. "Well this is certainly a puzzle. A peculiar one at that. The Wizarding World should expect great things from you." Ollivander said, a hint of awe in his voice. The Potters ignored Harry's choosing.

Lily turned to Andrew and said, "Come on Andy-kins. Let's get you home."

"Ha! Andy-kins. Imagine what they call him in private!" Tyler snorted.

"But _mum_! I don't want this lollipop. And I want to watch these two losers get theirs." Andy-kins whined. Lily Potter nee Evans sighed.

"But honey, we need to get home. Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus are coming to Potter Manor at 12:30, and it's 11:00." She reasoned.

"I don't care! I want to watch them get their lollipops!" Andrew yelled.

"Alright sweetheart. Whatever you say." Lily said, not wanting to anger her precious baby. Andrew gave a satisfied smile.

"Good. Bench. Now." Andrew said, holding his arms out expectantly. She sighed and picked him up, walking to the bench three steps away. When he was completely on the bench, Lily let go and exhaled deeply, her face a light shade of pink from the strain.

"Hm…his royal fatness is so obese that those who carried him couldn't walk more than ten paces before their legs gave out on them. How much does he weigh?" Elizabeth Avalon asked incredulously. **(A/N I mean no offense to overweight people)**

"70 pounds." Andrew said. Tyler quirked an eyebrow questioningly. "Okay, fine. 180 pounds." Andrew huffed. **(A/N and puffed, but the fat wouldn't go away.)**

"Please tell me you're on a diet?" Elizabeth asked hopefully.

"Yes. Yes I am." Andy-kins stated proudly, his eyes shining with pride.

"Shut up boy. My son needs to get his wand, and all you're doing is slowing him down." Mr. Cauldwell scolded Andrew, before turning to Ollivander. "My son needs a custom made wand pronto." He demanded.

"Our daughter needs a custom wand too." Mrs. Avalon piped up from the back.

"Hey, since when did you get here?" Andrew asked suspiciously.

"We were always here you stupid boy!" Mr. Avalon snapped.

"No," Andrew said slowly, his mind still working out what he was supposed to say. "You weren't here. Who are you?"

"We're Elizabeth Avalon's parents!" Mr. Avalon said angrily.

"We're infamous ninjas sent here undercover by the government to kill you with our sneakiness, your foolishness, and my annoying calm façade." Celeste Avalon said seriously. Andrew's thing that you call a face contorted into fear.

"Daddy, daddy? _DADDY!_ Take me to the corner, NOW! I don't wanna die!" He screamed fearfully. James sighed, before scurrying over to him and slowly taking him to the corner. He carefully put him on the ground before turning back to the rest of them. His face was a bright shade of red. The color was quickly draining from his face. He was really pale and was also shaking. James offered a weak smile at Lily before collapsing on the floor. The creepiest part was that even though he was unconscious, he was twitching.

"Right…now if you will please follow me to the back room…" Ollivander trailed off, looking at Elizabeth and Tyler.

**IN THE BACK ROOM**

"Alright, now, all you have to do is wave your hand over each stick of wood, and pick up any that _feel_ right." Ollivander said, pointing towards a long row of wood. Elizabeth and Tyler looked at each other, shrugged, and began walking down the row, holding their hands over all the pieces of wood. Elizabeth had the combination of ebony and willow, while Tyler had the unusual combination of beech and mahogany. "Good. Now I want you to do the same with the cores." Ollivander said, looking towards a shelf lined with jars containing who knows what. Tyler had an acromantula fang and a scale from a Hungarian horntail, while Elizabeth had basilisk skin and a chimera scale. "Now that you're done, please hand your woods and cores to me." Ollivander said. Elizabeth and Tyler handed their things to him, before going back to the main room.

**BACK IN THE MAIN ROOM WITH THE EVIL POTTERS AND THEIR DISGUSTINGLY STUPID SON**

"What type of lolli- I mean, _wands_ do you guys have?" Andrew asked as soon as he could see them.

"Mahogany, and beech, with an acromantula fang, and a scale from a Hungarian horntail." Tyler stated, with a hint of pride and excitement evident in his voice.

"And _I_," Elizabeth said before Tyler could say anything else. "I have ebony and willow, and my cores are basilisk skin, and a chimera scale."

"Is that like, powerful?" Andrew asked, surprisingly sounding like a curious, _normal_ kid. Emphasis on the word _normal_. Weird.

Elizabeth and Tyler glanced at each other before Tyler said, "No, they're really weak wands. Yours is slightly more powerful than ours." Andrew smirked.

"See? No matter what I shall always be more superior than you. In wands, in status, in money. Everything."

"Ugh, you disgust me." Elizabeth said quietly.

"No you idiot! Our wands are way more powerful than yours! What you just said was describing us! You imbecile! Do you believe _everything_ you hear?" Tyler shouted, hardly able to control his temper anymore. The dimwitted nincompoop.

"No, I don't. I didn't believe you when you said you had better wands than me. I also didn't believe you when you said that you had higher status than me. Or when you said that you had more money than me. I mean, you can't be better than me. I'm FAMOUS! I. AM. THE. BOY. WHO. LIVED! But…yeah, that's about it. I also have three very good reasons too. One, I'm the boy-who-lived. Two, I'm the boy-who-lived. And three, I'm the boy-who-lived. Anyway, why would someone lie to me? Everyone loves me too much to even _think_ of doing that." Andrew said dumbly, clearly proud of coming up with terribly good reasons for his response. Tyler stared at him in a way that screamed I-will-claw-your-eyes-out-if-you-don't-shut-up-about-being-the-freakin'-boy-who-lived-to-not-shut-up-about-not-dying-the-proper-way! His expression quickly changed to one of…absolutely nothing.

"It was a rhetorical question." He stated simply. Lily turned from her argument with the other adults to face them, tears springing to her eyes.

"My son, the boy-who-lived, just gave a beautiful speech straight from his heart, and all you can say is that it was a rhetorical question? You should consider yourself lucky to even be in the same room as him!" Lily snapped, delicately placing a hand on her heart.

"Your point?" Tyler asked.

"My _point_ is," Lily paused dramatically, "_Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light! What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming; Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there: Oh, say! does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep, Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes, What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep, As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses? Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,  
>In fully glory reflected now shines in the stream: 'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh, long may it wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! And where is that band who so vauntingly swore That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion A home and a country should leave us no more? Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution! No refuge could save the hireling and slave<br>From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave: And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.  
>Oh, thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand Between their loved home and the war's desolation! Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land<br>Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation! Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, And this be our motto: "In God is our trust": And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave._" Lily breathed deeply, silent tears flowing down her face as she gave the shop her most dazzling smile.

"You _do_ know we're British, right?" Tyler asked slowly, as if he were talking to a toddler. Lily looked offended.

"I'm not _that_ bad, thank you very much!" she said loudly. She began to thrash her arms around wildly, almost as if she were spazzing out. Elizabeth raised her eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" She inquired with a very puzzled look on her face.

"Please-just please-no-no not the wands! Just-just please-calm-just calm down! Please!" Ollivander cried desperately as he passed the doorway. **(A/N don't forget that he was still in the back room making wands)** Lily paused, then dropped to the ground, right onto James Potter's stomach. His body, with the exception of his stomach, pretty much flew upwards. His eyes opened in alarm, and he reached for his wand, only to find it_ wasn't there_. His head swiveled in every direction, until he found it. The wand was a good ten feet away, next to a fallen shelf of wands. His eyes watered.

"NO! NO! NO! I NEED IT! I NEED MY WAND! NO! SOMEONE HELP ME! NO!" James screamed before breaking down crying.

"Is she really that heavy?" Tyler asked quietly. Elizabeth was about to reply when she was interrupted by a small grunting noise. Everyone turned to see James struggling to get Lily off of him. The parents all sighed. They were thinking the exact same thing and they knew it. _How pathetic._ Andrew was thinking something totally different. _Go daddy go! Go daddy go! Yeah you are so strong! Whoohoo! Go daddy go!_

Everyone's eyes strayed from the struggling James to Andrew, who had begun to do a little dance while chanting, "Go daddy, go! Go daddy, go! Go daddy, go!"

"So why do I have to be here right now?" Tyler moaned in agony. "Because you need a wand Tyler! Now come over here; I need you to find my lipstick." Angelica Cauldwell snapped, holding out her purse expectantly.

"Oooooo. What flavor is yours? Mine's Pineapple Coconut Cherry Orange Raspberry Pear Strawberry Apple Mango Banana Plum Blueberry Broccoli Splash!" Andrew squealed excitedly. Lily slowly opened her eyes and stretched.

"Sweetums, that's personal. They might leak this to the press. We don't want that." She scolded lightly.

"But I can't help it mum! It's just so _exciting_ when someone else likes it as much as I do!" he whined. He then took his "mummy" into the side room, turning a very vivid shade of red. Suddenly shouting could be heard as well as the shattering of expensive objects and, as you'll soon find out, pig noises. **(A/N well you just found out! Muhahaha! But not why. :D)**Yes you read correctly, pig noises. Then after a worried glance between Tyler and Elizabeth, a baby pig, **(A/N to answer your question, no the pig is not Andrew. That would be insulting to the pig.)** Andrew, and his now crying and slightly bloody mum came back into the room. "Now some one give me a color for eye shadow." Andrew demanded in an overly superior voice.

"Chartreuse!" Elizabeth shrieked in a hysterical voice.

"Don't forget to lather it on Mummy, and do it sometime today. Otherwise I might have to beat you up again." Andrew ordered, raising his fist 'threateningly.'

"Beat her up again? Please, she probably just spelled some blood on herself to make it look like he did." Elizabeth sniggered. Andrew easily ignored the blow to what was left of his 'pride,' but of course he didn't know this because, let's face it, he's too stupid to know anything.

"Humph." Lily sulked, realizing that she'd been caught. 'Humph' seemed to be the magic word because as soon as Lily said it, comprehension dawned on Andrew's fat face, **(A/N meaning his eyes bugged out, and his jaw dropped, seemingly making his face fatter.) **and he turned to glare at Elizabeth, only to see her parents scowling at him. **(A/N remember, her parents are 'ninjas' sent here to 'kill him')** He instead spun around to glare at Tyler, who in turn, burst out laughing. If looks could kill, Tyler would be living, thriving, in the prime of his life, and completely happy. Can you see how pathetic Andrew is? "Come here, Andy-dums. You need the make-up remember?" Lily sighed dejectedly. After a minute or two of applying and re-applying, Lily's precious "Andy-kins" looked more like a raccoon than his boring hippopotamus self. Ollivander walked into the room holding two wands, but when he saw Andrew, he screamed shrilly and ran back to where he was moments ago.

"Give me the silly stick of wood! I want that wand! I am going to blast that fat lump with hair to smithereens! And then some!" Tyler shouted in a thunderous voice that echoed around the shop.

"Someone stop him! He. Will. Do it!" Elizabeth screamed.

"Hey!" Andrew yelled indignantly. "I am not a fat lump! I'm just fluffy on the sides!"

"You're just fluffy all around." Harry murmured, looking at his shoes. Elizabeth glanced at him, before resuming restraining Tyler from the cowering Ollivander.

"Ow! Stupid Tyler! I can't believe you just bit me!" Elizabeth cried, looking at her now bleeding finger. Tyler lunged for Ollivander, who threw the wands in a perfect arch. Tyler growled in frustration, and jumped for the darker wand. He caught his at the same time as Elizabeth. Time seemed to freeze. The ground trembled, and a thick mist swirled about them. Elizabeth and Tyler were engulfed in a mix of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and white flames. Wind whirled around the room, taking James' hair along with it, leaving only a couple strands left.

"My wig! I mean…uh…my, my pudding!" James yelled frantically. And suddenly, everything stopped.

"Sweet. You got lucky. I won't kill you. _This time_." Tyler said after a minute of silence. The Cauldwells slapped down a handful of galleons before walking out of the shop.

"'Kay bye." Elizabeth said before stalking out the door while her parents paid.


	2. The Gryffindor Train

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT, REPEAT DO NOT (do not) thanks little voice in my head OWN HARRY POTTER. ONLY THE PLOT AND MY OCs! And please remember that this is meant to be humorous and not offensive. PLEASE REVIEW!**

_409 Views=1 Review__ That is just not right. Seriously? I need MOAR! And don't pretend that someone else will review because you know what? They WON'T! If you can't tell, 1 review for 7k+ words does not make up for your lack of generosity. It takes 30 seconds! All you have to do is write "It's good :)" or "I didn't like it :(" and I will be happy! So if you like tacos, I want you to review. Just the people that like tacos. I mean, if you don't like them and you want to review anyway, please do! But you taco-lovers, review! Yes I'm talking to you. No, not you, the other- yeah you! -.-_

**Thank you, that will be all. Please enjoy your flight.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: The Gryffindor Train. What Happened to Slytherin, Huh?<strong>

I studied myself in the full length mirror to the left side of my bed. I always found it weird that 'mirror' has six letters and half of them are the letter 'r'. I managed to put my waist length chocolate brown hair into a bun. It was hard work. You know, 'cause you had to move and stuff. I wore faded blue ripped jeans and a lime green t-shirt. I also wore some black sneakers. My right foot had a vibrant orange sock with blue stars on it, while my left foot had a light gray sock covered in one inch candy canes. I felt weird. Usually I would wear flip-flops with dark wash denim shorts and a tank top with a stupid saying on it. I had one that said, 'Monkey foot yourself!' I had gotten it from a pool just a block away. I won it after being one of the first to get bingo. In my defense, you got pancakes when you played. I'm a very random person, and sometimes I can be a bit of a spaz, so I am apologizing in advance for anything weird that happens. "Sierra! Get down here and eat your pancakes! We have to leave for Kings Cross soon!" My mum, Savannah Hume shrieked.

"I'M GOING MUM! BE PATIENT! WE STILL HAVE TEN MINUTES!" I screamed crossly. I'm not a very patient person. Whoa…wait WHAT! Ten freaking minutes till we leave! I hastily grabbed one handle of my trunk and ran. Well, tried to anyway. This thing was _heavy_! I was leaning almost horizontally while my feet kept slipping and hitting the side of my trunk. I was a small 4 ft. 11" and I personally thought that I was incredibly weak. I finally let go and plopped on the floor, breathless. I scrambled up and whipped out my wand. "Wingardium Leviosa!" I said clearly, aiming my wand at my trunk like I was taught. I learned spells from my parents when I was ten, and I suppose it was to help me get ready for school…life… facing the evilest dark lord in a century…the usual. I watched in self-satisfaction as my trunk and its contents rose above the ground. I quickly went down the stairs and scarfed down my breakfast, only to realize that I _accidentally_ left my trunk in my room. I had my mum go get it in case I forgot again. Did I mention that I'm a very forgetful person? No? Huh, guess I forgot. The irony. Mum came down levitating my trunk and held out…my wand? *Laughs nervously* Oops. I silently took my wand and shuffled outside where our car was waiting. I sat down in one of the black leather chairs, buckled up, opened the mini fridge, and took out a root beer. I felt the car move, and I closed my eyes to nap a bit.

_~~~~~~~~~Time Skip Cookie!~~~~~~~~~_

I awoke to violent shaking. "HOOSAWATSITS!" I screamed. "Oh. We're here." I said groggily. I unbuckled my seatbelt, only to have a luggage cart thrust in front of me, my trunk already on it. I turned my head and spit in the grass. Then, I had the misfortune of getting smacked upside my head by my mum. I slowly craned my head to glare at her. "OW!" I shouted in an annoyed tone.

"Spitting in the grass is not ladylike, Sierra." My mum chided.

"Oh, but giving me a headache by hitting me is?" I will never understand adults. That's why I don't want to become one. You get boring and confusing. "Start walking." She didn't even give me an answer. That's so selfish. Obviously she doesn't want to admit that she's wrong, and I'm right.

"Uh, mum? I think you need to take me to the doctor because I'm seeing things. This platform doesn't exist." I said. Mum clicked her tongue.

"Of course that platform exists. It's right there." She replied, gesturing vaguely to an area in front of us. I blinked owlishly at my ticket.

"Maybe I need to take _you_ to the doctor because if you haven't noticed, there is NO platform 9 ¾!" People started looking at us weirdly, so I smiled innocently and began waving cheerfully. I guess you're probably thinking that as a pureblood I should know about the platform. Well, I do, I just don't know how to get on because I don't know where it is. Mum always treats me like a little kid, and never bothers to teach me anything. Dad can't teach me because he works at the Ministry of Magic, so he always comes home late. I don't have any siblings either, so I'm pretty much in the dark. Mum also has a job, and it goes from 9:30 to 4:00. She has these etiquette classes that she teaches to other pureblood witches. I'm not left home alone, though. I went to muggle school for preschool, kindergarten, and grades one through five.

"Abigail, Abigail, Abigail." I looked bewildered at my mum.

"How can you forget my name? I'm your daughter!"

"I wasn't talking to you, Sierra. I was talking to one of my students, Abigail Liveil. She'll be going to Pigpimples next year." Mum snapped irritably.

"Don't you mean Hogwarts?" I asked.

"No, I meant what I said. Abigail will be going to Pigpimples next year. She's moving to America."

"I thought it was Salem. And how are you talking to her? She's not here."

"I am using a cell phone. It is a genius contraption made by muggles." I rolled my eyes.

"I know what a cell phone is mum. I have my own! Honestly, you call yourself my mother?" I shook my head and walked towards one of the columns. I sighed and leaned my back against it while I waited for my mum to stop talking to Abigail what's-her-face.

"WHAAAAAAAA!" I screamed as I fell backwards. It wasn't a normal fall either. As I fell, I got this weird sensation that I was getting dunked underwater by a huge wave. "Whoa. Weirdest feeling ever." I got up off the ground and looked at the train station I suddenly appeared in. It was a bloody scarlet color and had shiny gold trimming, the Gryffindor colors.

I saw a large mob of red passing by and heard a snippet of conversation that sounded suspiciously like, "Ronald! Your hair looks like a rat's net! Comb it immediately!"

"Well I wouldn't have to comb my hair if _somebody_ and their brother hadn't hit me with hairspray as soon as I woke up!" That is _not_ an argument I want to get into. I'm going to guess that they're the Weasleys, based on the large amounts of redheads.

Forget mum, I'm getting on the train. It's not like she'd be much of a help, anyways. "Move it!" I yelled at a tall boy conversing with a shorter girl. I was in a bad mood ever since I arrived at the train station, and I seriously doubt that he would even answer me if I was polite.

"No." he replied with a smirk. I narrowed my eyes as I thought of ways to injure him with the Swiss knife in my pocket. Was I even allowed to bring that to school? Meh, technicalities.

"Fine." I grumbled. I knew he had a smug look on his face, but I refused to look at it. And the girl was just staring at me, as if she was deciding whether or not I was worth her time. I so was. As I passed them, I purposefully stepped on that jerk face's foot. I kept walking, and then he pushed me. He _pushed_ me. He pushed _me_.

"Yeah, thanks! I wanted to go this way anyway!" I said.

"We wanted you to go that way too! _Away_ from us!" the girl called. I rolled my eyes mockingly. I wasn't even going to dignify them with a response. At least I don't think so.

~~~~~~~~_Hey I'm Skippy The Time Skip Bunny! Follow Me!_~~~~~~~~~

"Stupid compartments. Why are they so small? And why are all of the people such…no. I won't say it." I mumbled as I got kicked out of yet another compartment. Not all of them were even full. The next compartment that I opened made me sigh in defeat. There were only three people here, but that included the boy and girl that I met earlier. Was it worth the risk? No, probably not. But that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. "Hey. My name is Sierra. I'm going to sit here now." I stated tiredly.

"I'm Elizabeth. That's Tyler, and that's-" The green-eyed girl started to say, but was abruptly cut off by the boy she was about to introduce.

"The most amazing, graceful, handsome, good-looking, charming, incredible, attractive, and fine man you will ever meet. I'm Potter. Andrew Potter, the boy-who-lived." The ugly redhead said proudly.

"-the stupidest kid you will ever meet. Potter. Andrew Potter, the boy-who-lived-to-look-uglier-than-a-hippopatomas-and-rotting-whale. Hey look! Your vocabulary even improved over the summer!" Elizabeth declared insultingly.

"If you don't like him, why are you sitting with him?" I asked curiously.

"Because the prat is so stupid that he reveals all of his embarrassing secrets if we tell him one thing that we 'like' about him. It provides us with perfect blackmail material." Tyler explained, putting quotation marks around the word like. I nodded my head understandingly before plopping down in the seat next to Elizabeth.

"Wait, you can't be the boy-who-lived!" I cried, the realization hitting me like a brick wall. It hurt.

"Why not?" Andrew pouted, looking put out.

"Because all of the books talk about you like a great hero. The articles in the newspapers are flattering, and in your pictures you always have a large cloak or something. Everyone says that you're a tall, handsome, muscular person. But _you_ are not. You're just…average." I said, raising my nose and staring at him disdainfully. Elizabeth laughed, but cleverly disguised it as a cough. Tyler grinned.

"Ha! It's not just me!" he announced triumphantly.

"Don't you dare talk about the boy-who-lived like that! He saved your life! You should be on your knees begging his forgiveness!" a Weasley yelled, bursting into the compartment, flanked by a buck-toothed girl who's nose was up in the air like she smelled something horrible. I think I do too. Maybe it was Andrew.

"Seriously? Why do you keep following me? First you run into me at Diagon Alley, then you pass by me at the train station, and now you're here! You're like a stalker!" I screamed at the tall, awkward, freckled carrot.

"And an eavesdropper. We cannot forget eavesdropper." Elizabeth added helpfully.

"Go away. Leave. Vamoose. Flee. Disappear. Shoo. Vanish. Run away." Tyler said, making a shooing motion with his hands. Weasley and the bushy-haired girl grumbled something incoherently before reluctantly walking away.

The door once again slid open to reveal a tall boy with messy black hair and emerald green eyes. "See! _That_ is someone who could be a hero! _He's_ not short and chubby! And he has nice eyes." I gestured wildly at him and he raised an eyebrow before sitting next to Tyler.

"I'm Harry Potter." He said after Elizabeth continually stared at him for a few seconds.

"You couldn't have said that when you first came in?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. Harry lowered his gaze to look at his shoes. I have to wonder why he's so shy. His brother is supposed to be the boy-who-lived, and I would think that he would be used to the attention. Meh. Who cares?

We lapsed into a somewhat awkward silence, so I took the time to study everyone. Elizabeth was average height, if not a bit shorter. She had piercing bottle green eyes, and a tan that made her look Hispanic somehow. It just- I don't know. She had waist length black hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. Moving on.

Tyler was freakishly tall, even while sitting down. He had a slight tan and golden brown hair. His eyes were really cool. They were a deep, captivating purple with gold veins running throughout the iris. I wish I had eyes like that, only mine would be cerulean blue with silver veins running through it. That would be awesome.

Harry Potter was moderately tall, which was way different from his brother. He had really black hair, like trying to find something in pure darkness. It also wasn't messy like his father's. His eyes were also green, but a darker shade than Elizabeth's. They were like emeralds, made out of a rich, dark green. He was only slightly paler than Tyler, and looked sort of like he didn't go out in the sun very often.

I grimaced as I turned my eyes on Andrew. He was average height, with awfully messy red hair. He had pasty looking skin and pompous brown eyes that were currently staring out the window. He wasn't fat, but he also wasn't terribly skinny. He was like an overstuffed teddy bear, I suppose. He was so pale he was like a vampire. Don't mind me, I'm just inching away from Andrew Potter 'cause he freaks me out. Nothing to worry about.

My own appearance wasn't very interesting. My dark brown hair is normally wavy and I have doe brown eyes that I got from my mum. I was short, with a slight tan and I was kind of skinny. People always talk about how they want to be skinny but it's not that great. It makes me look like a dementor when I wake up. I'm _not_ even joking.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kesesese—Still Reading? Okay I won't stop you!~~~~~~~~~~~~_

"What's that?" Harry asked, looking over my shoulder at the paper that I was drawing on.

"It's a cat! Can't you tell?" I visibly deflated, knowing my drawing skills were terrible when I was distracted. Harry shook his head no.

"Well see- there are the ears-"

"_That's_ what those were? I thought that the one over there was a bunny tail and the other one was an ink splatter!"

"Really? An ink blot and a tail? Seriously? Anyway, those are the legs- and _yes,_ I know that they look like blocks of wood but I didn't purposely do that. Okay, _maybe_ I did but still. And the body is the one that looks like an egg. The head is the cardboard box. Isn't it _beautiful_?" I asked sarcastically.

"Wait, where's the tail? And why are there five legs?"

"No, see- that's the tail. Can't you see the difference? The tail looks more like a crooked stick." I explained patiently.

"Anything off the trolley dears?" A little witch pushing a cart full of candy smiled at us.

"I'll take some of everything!" Andrew pulled out a handful of coins and was showered with a bucket of sugary food.

"Hmmm…can I have three chocolate frogs please?" Elizabeth asked sweetly, handing over a few coins.

"I'll have a licorice wand and two fizzing whizzbees." Tyler stated his request but seemed completely distracted. He seemed to be staring at something out the window.

"Um…how about…wait no…okay yeah. Can I have one cauldron cake and one box of Bertie Bott's every flavor beans? Yay! Thank you!" I cried enthusiastically. Maybe a little too enthusiastically. Oh well!

"May I please have one pumpkin pasty?" Harry gratefully accepted what now appeared to be his favorite food.

"Alright, dears. Enjoy! That's a…very _nice_ drawing young lady." The old lady bustled out of the compartment after giving me a weird look. Then, of course, that buck-toothed girl just _had_ to come back in and ruin the train ride even more.

"We're almost at the train station. I suggest you put your robes on. By the way, I'm Hermione Granger." The newly dubbed Hermione said. She was _so_ annoying.

"I'm Andrew Potter. I expect you've heard of me?" Andrew puffed out his chest and smirked cockily at her. I'm really tempted to slap that smirk off of his not so pretty face.

"Oh yes I've read all about you! You were the only person to ever survive the killing curse_ and_ you defeated the evilest dark lord in a century! You know, I also read something about how you…" Hermione would not stop talking! I quickly tuned her out and went to the bathroom to change.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~Pshaw! Forget The Details We're Moving On!~~~~~~~~~~~~_

"Yes! We're here!"

"Get out of my way Granger."

"That's really rude of-"

"No one wants to listen to you babbling anymore so just shut up already!"

Hermione harrumphed and fell silent. Finally. "Let's get this show on the road!" I cried, pumping my fists in the air like a maniac. I've got swag, and I just felt the need to brag. Hey that rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it. Wow, I'm on a roll today!

"We just got off of a 12 hour train ride. I don't need to be on the road anymore." Tyler elbowed me in the ribs like he was trying to injure me. Pfft, no no no no. That wouldn't happen.

"Why are we the only ones walking in the forest? Everyone else went the other way." Harry eyed the woods distrustfully.

"Then let's go the other way then before something comes out and _eats our souls_." Elizabeth said with a hint of sarcasm, glaring at the rest of us.

"D-d-dementors?! Where?" Andrew cried, spinning around in circles while staring at the cloudy sky.

"All in favor of leaving him here to rot?" Tyler rolled his eyes and raised his hand. As did the rest of us.

"W-what the fugoogle is that?" I whispered, pointing at a strange…something coming towards us slowly.

"I don't know, so let's _run!_" Harry yelled, taking off towards the general direction of the school, the rest of us following. As we ran, I started wondering whether or not that was the stale cookie that I had thrown out of the window once we got here. I was told it had magic properties, but I think that the reason it was free was because that hag just didn't want an expired cookie. That fluffy-headed ninny moomoo!

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><p><strong>AN: This chapter was necessary. The previous was not. Have a nice day! Sierra is a complete and utter idiot. JUST LIKE MEEEE! I actually kinda based her off of me when I was younger, and to an extent now, just to a greater degree. Making up words is so fun! If you would oh-so-kindly review, add a word that you made up. I wanna see it! If I use it, I'll credit you ;P**


	3. The Sorting

**DISCLAIMER: I own- *sees awfully menacing looking people advancing* NOTHING of Harry Potter. Do you see this? _Nothing._**

**A/N: Guess who's back from the dead~? The answer is me! God, it's been forever since I updated this story. My poor readers must've been so upset! It took, what? A year to finish this? Something like that, right? I've been so busy and lazy, lately. Busy being lazy? That's some food for thought. I'll try and get another chapter up in time for the new year. Oh, who am I kidding? That's so completely IMPOSSIBRU! Alright, I won't hold you back any longer! Enjoy~**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: The Sorting. Who Has Talking Hats Anyways?!<strong>

"Someone…call…the mediwi-something. I'm…dying." Andrew wheezed as they arrived at the edge of the lake. Elizabeth inconspicuously shuffled next to Andrew. Looking at the sky oh-so-innocently, she pushed the boy-who-lived-to-make-everyone's-lives-miserable into the lake. Sierra and Harry jumped, looking startled. Tyler looked nonchalant as ever, in fact he was slightly happy, and when faced with the incredulous looks of the new students already loaded into the boats, he shrugged.

"What? It's obvious he was going to die prematurely anyway. We're just speeding up the process." A long, slightly awkward silence followed the statement before Sierra and Harry shared a knowing look and nodded in agreement.

"Oh goodness! How _ever_ did you end up in the water? It's terribly cold, you know. Can you even swim?" One Hermione Granger stood staring at a frantically splashing boy-who-lived with distress clearly evident on her buck-toothed face.

"I really don't understand why he's having so much trouble staying afloat. I mean, his hand has been slapping one of the boats this whole time. I don't think a bit of water can destroy so many brain cells in the span of three minutes," Harry muttered, looking at his twin brother with thinly veiled condescension.

"I don't think he had many brain cells to begin with. But this takes him to a whole new level on the stupidity scale." Elizabeth replied, making no effort to hide her contempt. Tyler grinned and Sierra's eyes widened.

"Wait, that's _possible?_" She cried, burying her face in her hands as she attempted to ignore the fact that her life was doomed with him as their savior. "That's it, then. Imma die. I'm just- there's no way I'm living past seventeen. Imma get killed because of that kid. Mum, I love you, maybe. Dad, I love you a bit more. Someone, please, take me out of my misery. Don't let me ever be in the same vicinity as such a stupid person ever again." Soon-to-be students were staring openly at the girl, their jaws having become unhinged.

Sally-Anne Perks huffed, reluctantly getting out of her boat. She reached out a hand for Andrew to take once she was safely on shore. The boy-who-lived sputtered, spread-eagle on the muddy ground. His dark red hair, even when it was sopping wet, still stuck out at every possible angle and his glazed brown eyes were as wide as saucers. Tentatively, Sally-Anne nudged the boy-who-almost-drowned's stomach to check if he was alive. "How in Merlin's name did you get seaweed under your robes- oh wait, that's you," She sniffed, stepping over Andrew and rejoining her new friends in her boat.

"Are we done here? I want to get sorted already," Elizabeth huffed, glaring at Andrew.

"Right well, uh, no more'n four to a boat! You all right there, Andrew?" The giant bush that turned out to be Hagrid called, pointing to the few empty, rotting boats sitting on the shore of the Black Lake.

"This is a safety hazard, isn't it? Or at least _criminal_ for being less than aesthetically pleasing," Sierra frowned, sitting sullenly in one of the slightly slimy boats.

"Right then – FORWARD!"

The small fleet moved forward in unison, sliding across the glassy lake.

"Heads down!" Hagrid motioned to a wall of ivy hanging before them.

"Well what if I don't wanna- oomph!" Andrew crossed his arms stubbornly, putting on his 'mule' face. Before he could even his sentence, his forehead collided with a fat branch in front of him, causing him to fall backwards with a resounding 'WAFUMP'.

"That's why, prat." Tyler glared at the-boy-who-had-far-too-many-hyphenated-names.

"Prick."

"Pillock."

"Git."

"Eejit."

"Berk."

"Would you just shut up? The both of you," Elizabeth grumbled, massaging her temples.

"Fine. Arse," Tyler rolled his eyes, offering one last insult at the idiot in the boat beside him.

_~~~~Skip-a-dee-do-da! Skip-a-dee-ay!~~~~_

**"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid, towering over the old stern witch in front of him.**

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here." She replied, her mouth in a thin line. An unhappy thin line. _Wasn't today supposed to be, oh I don't know, happy?_ Elizabeth wondered sarcastically.

The doors to the entrance hall swung open. "I'm sure this would just barely be big enough for…_his_ giant ego." Tyler glared at Andrew accusingly. They shuffled into a small chamber placed along the right side of the entrance hall, where they were all unfortunately standing closer than was comfortable.

"**Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room."**

"That sniveling whale better not be in my house. I'd die if he was part of my 'family'." Elizabeth shuddered.

"**The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points, while any rule breaking will lose house points.****At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours."**

"**The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."**

Harry absently noticed the Weasley boy from earlier with a smudge on his nose and the clumsy Longbottom heir with his cloak somehow stuck to his left ear. Not to mention his _dear _brother's sopping wet robes with the backside covered in sand and dirt. He grimaced, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

**"I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall. "Please wait quietly."**

As soon as she left, murmurs broke out in the room, the new first years speculating on how they would be sorted. Sierra rolled her eyes at how silly some of the theories were. A troll? What was this, Care of Magical Creatures? Suddenly she jumped at a few shrieks around her. She turned around, easily finding the source of fright. It was just a few ghosts. Sierra sighed in displeasure. It was a magic school, of _course_ there were going to be ghosts.

Finally, after enough time had passed to give them grey hairs, they were lead into the Great Hall.

"Great Hall?" Tyler scoffed, "I've seen greater _corridors_."

"The ceiling is bewitched to look like the night sky. I read about it in-"

"Hot wax is about to start dripping on us, isn't it?" Elizabeth asked, looking up at the candles floating above them and effectively cutting off Hermione.

"Well…we could always use Andrew as an umbrella. I'm sure he could easily cover all of us." Tyler suggested.

"But then we'd have to lift him," Elizabeth pointed out. "He's way too heavy. It would be too much effort."

"I'm sure we could get a group of second years to do it."

"The strain would probably kill them."

"That's so rude of you!" Hermione huffed.

"Not this again. Haven't we already established this? No one cares." Sierra glared at Hermione.

"Hush! I'm about to be sorted! I, the great Andrew Sotter, will become the best Gryffindor since Gryffindor himself!"

"…Potter. Your- _our_- last name is Potter." Harry gave his twin a confused glance, taking a small step away from him.

"This year is going to be worse than the Marauders." McGonagall muttered.

The ragged hat opened the brim where its makeshift mouth was located and started singing. People were clapping at the end of the song, that is, except for Andrew.

"I'M STARVING, DO YOU NOT SEE HOW SKINNY I AM?! JUST PUT ME IN GRYFFINDOR ALREADY AND GIVE ME A SLICE OF PIE!" Andrew screamed, stomping his foot impatiently.

"I don't think that's quite how it works, Mr. Potter…"

"WELL IT IS NOW."

Slightly taken aback, McGonagall produced an elaborate scroll from the folds of her robes. "Abbott, Hannah."

"NO, THIS WILL NOT DO!" Andrew shrieked. "I'M GOING FIRST! I'M THE BOY-WHO-LIVED FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!"

"Um, I hope you realize that no one says 'for goodness' sake' at all…or ever really." Tyler stated dryly.

"Now, now Minerva, I do believe that since Mr. Potter is such an…erm…special case…we could make an exception." Dumbledore stated placatingly.

"SEE! THE FAT OLD RAISIN AGREES WITH ME!"

"Andrew, I hardly believe you can talk about the great…"

"Oh my god Hermione, for Christ's sake, NOBODY CARES!" Elizabeth shouted.

"Moving on then…fine...um, Andrew was it? You may proceed to the hat." McGonagall stated.

Andrew swaggered up to the stool and sat down, causing the stool's leg to bend and shatter under his weight.

"Dear Lord. Minerva, I thought you had the stool enchanted to support the weight of a full-fledged elephant." Dumbledore remarked.

"Bu-But I did headmaster." Minerva stammered.

"Well, in any case...put the hat on the boy."

The Sorting hat was placed on the baby whale's messy red hair, causing his eyes to be covered and making him look like a lump of white charcoal.

_Hello Mr. Potter…_

_Who are you?!_

_The Sorting Hat, of course. Now, let's see…oh, this could take some time. Your pitiful mind seems to be giving me a hat ache. You have an excess amount of cowardice stored in this little mind of yours; Godric Gryffindor would have been so ashamed. However, you are quite rash and would recklessly jump into any situation that would give you glory._

_W-what does that supposed to what?_

_I'm sorry; it's difficult to understand you… if what I think you mean is correct, it means you appear to be a brain-dead idiot. Now then, you're incredibly fickle and have no sense of loyalty. You are one of the laziest people I have ever had the displeasure to meet. Hufflepuff is certainly not for you._

_Good! All Hufflepuffs do is breathe and make sandwiches._

_You're quite rude, aren't you? I stick by my earlier statement that you are a brain-dead idiot, therefore you are extremely illogical and are very stupid. Ravenclaw would be the last place you could ever go._

_Ravenclaws are a bunch of nerds! I'm a Gryffindor!_

_You're actually more ambitious than I would have thought… Perhaps Slytherin is for you?_

_No! Absolutely not!_

_Now, you might-_

_If you don't put me in Gryffindor I swear,_

_Actually do better in-_

_I will throw you in the mud,_

_Slytherin than you might think-_

_Then rip you to shreds,_

_Mr. Potter. You could-_

_And then put you in a paper shredder,_

_Be great. Even-_

_And after that I'll throw you in a fire,_

_Greater than you already-_

_And finally scatter your stupid ashes on each of the seven continents buried where no one will ever find them,_

_Are._

_And- say what now?_

_If you insist, Mr. Potter… _"GRYFFINDOR!"

"YES! I AM THE ALMIGHTY!" Andrew screamed, ripping off the hat and running towards the Gryffindor table.

"The almighty hippopotamus lord." Tyler scoffed.

"Avalon, Elizabeth."

_You appear to be 200 times smarter than Mr. Potter, you know._

_Only 200?_

_I suppose it could be about 400…that being said, though you may be brave and ambitious, you no doubt belong in _"RAVENCLAW!"

"Cauldwell, Tyler."

_Why, hello Mr. Sarcastic._

_Me? Nooo…how could you say such a thing? You wound me, Hat._

_I aim to please._

_Okay, great, now sort me. In fact, you don't even have to- I already know I'm such a Slytherin it isn't even funny._

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Hume, Sierra."

_Oh dear lord, Ms. Hume. You're so incredibly eccentric it's a bit frightening. You're like a squirrel._

_Aw, but I don't like squirrels!_

_Well sucks to suck._

_Did you just- I thought you were a thousand years old! What's up with the contemporary slang?_

_I can't be a modern hat?_

_When you look like a rat? Not a chance._

_I see._

_Are you mentally sniffling?!_

_So what if I am?_

_Can you please just STOP and do your job?_

_Fine. __Despite all of your…oddities, you are hardworking if you're motivated enough._

_Hmm…I'm not so sure about that._

_Well it's true._

_This is me we're talking about. I'm pretty sure the answer is no._

_Now let's see: I'm over one thousand years old, and you're an annoying eleven year old kid. I believe I'm correct._

_You don't know me! You've only been on my head for a few minutes!_

_I know you enough to know that you gave the birds on your property cupcakes for three weeks before they dropped dead._

_It wasn't my fault!_

_Oh, but I believe it was._

_I was four! What do you expect?_

_A bit of common sense would be nice. Now anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. You're quite the little trustworthy one, aren't you?_

_Only selectively._

_Yes, well, despite that, there is only one choice as to where you should be placed._

_Where?_

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Granger, Hermione."

_I belong here, don't I? Oh, please tell me I do! I would so love to learn magic and I really don't have any friends but maybe it's just because I'm different, right? Right? Mr. Hat, please put me where I'll be accepted! I want friends! Could I be a Gryffindor? Oh yes, please! Albus Dumbledore was in that house and so is Andrew Potter, and they're so wonderful and friendly and they aren't dark and please Mr. Hat?!_

_Ms. Granger, please, calm yourself. I believe you're too stuffy for Gryffindor, too much of a stickler for the rules for even the Ravenclaws, too judgmental for the Hufflepuffs, and you'd die within your first week in Slytherin. However, if you wish to be in Gryffindor, I suppose…_

_Please!_

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Potter, Harry."

"Who's that?"

_Finally, someone normal._

_Uh…hello._

_Yes, hello indeed, Mr. Potter. Now, where to put you…_

_Could I go to Gryffindor?_

_You have the potential to be a good Gryffindor, but if you were a Slytherin, then…_

_Then what?_

_Then you could be great. You're a very ambitious young man, Mr. Potter. Slytherin would have loved you._

_My parents HATE Slytherin! I can't be there! _I'll be disowned! I'll die! I'm going to die a terrible, bloody murder! You can't do that to a poor little eleven year old! Don't put me in Slytherin! I don't care how much less 'greatness' I'll have, I can't go to the snake pit! _No! Absolutely not! Wrong! Veto! No! Non! Nej! Nein!_

_Okay! No Slytherin, I get it. Yeesh. _"GRYFFINDOR!"

The hat mentally groaned, feeling as if it was being pulled apart by the seams. The kids this year were nutjobs.

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><p><strong>AN: The part in bold was taken directly from the book, just so you know. It wasn't some random decision I made ("Oh I know! I'll just highlight this random section because I can! LOLOLOLOL" Uhhh...no.) I hope you like it! The next chapter probably won't be for a while, so love this one a lot! And don't forget to review!**


	4. Food Fight

**DISCLAIMER: Once upon a time, Every-Beet-of-My-Heart wrote a Harry Potter fanfiction. All was well until she realized that she had forgotten a disclaimer! The world fell into a dark age, and many people died throughout the war of fanfiction rights. Every-Beet-of-My-Heart lost, and JK Rowling prevailed, but not without casualties. To save lives, I hereby swear that I do NOT own Harry Potter or any other possible things written that are copyrighted.**

**A/N: Whoo! I finished another chapter, and it only took...over six months...oh... But it's done, which is what matters! Love it lots!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Food Fight! I'll Show You a Slice of Pie!<strong>

Tyler Cauldwell was bored. So-bored-he-might-stab-himself-in-the-eye-and-talk-to-Andrew-Potter bored.

"I'm so disappointed that I wasn't allowed to bring my broom. I have the newest and most expensive model, and my father says I could be a professional if I didn't have to go to school," Draco Malfoy bragged in all his gel-slathered glory.

No, he took it back. Tyler changed his mind and was ready to stab Malfoy in the eye before anything else.

"I don't know if you remember the robe shop, _Draco_, but I seem to recall you simply standing on the platform getting measured and then toppling onto the floor. You're just too graceful and coordinated for this world, and should most definitely be on the British quidditch team," Tyler drawled with a slight roll of his eyes.

Draco practically grew another three inches as his ego increased tenfold.

"Well of course," he replied. "I was raised as a proper pureblood and am the best at everything."

"Right. _Only_ everything," Tyler said stonily.

"Well obviously, what else is there, silly boy?" Draco questioned.

"Boy? Excuse you, _kid_, but I'm 99 percent sure that we're the same age. In fact, I'm older than you," Tyler snapped back irritably.

"Don't call me a kid," Draco hissed.

"Then don't call me a boy."

"So what are you? A woman?" Draco shot back, face red in embarrassment.

Tyler held up his fork threateningly. "Don't you dare say another word, or so help you- I will stab you in the throat, you little Weasley."

"How dare you?!" Draco gasped dramatically.

"What did I just say about not speaking? Merlin, you're so dense you could be waterproof," Tyler groaned, adding a frighteningly sharp knife to his mix of dangerous utensils. Draco gulped, bringing up a hand to hold his throat protectively.

"Umm…Malfoy, what are you doing with my hand? Are you trying to hint that you want to be strangled because, you're aware that this can most certainly be arranged, aren't you?" Theodore Nott, a new addition to the Slytherin house inquired, quirking an eyebrow.

Draco hastily dropped Theodore's hand, smacking it away as if it was diseased. "Get your filthy hands off of me, you grease ball! What are you trying to do to me?"

"Wow, Draco, you really know how to take the blame, don't you?" Tyler remarked sarcastically, twirling the knife on the table casually.

"Stop doing that! Are you a secret psychopath planning on murdering me by slicing me open with that knife?" Draco sneered, his voice unsteady.

"Way to jump to conclusions, but no. Although now that you mention it, that's a great idea!"

Draco leaned back in his seat and away from the grinning maniac before him. "W-well, uh…" he stuttered, his fork tapping erratically on his plate as his hand shook nervously.

"Would you rather I take your blanket tonight and wrap you in it like a burrito so you can't escape as I dramatically toss you out of the window of a tower where your puny form will either land in the Black Lake for you to drown or you land painfully on the ground and break half of the bones in your body before you roll down that hill and into the Forbidden Forest to be torn apart and brutally devoured by dangerous creatures? It's quite time consuming, but if you're sure…" Tyler trailed off, sighing.

"When my father h-hears of this-"

"Right, and that's going to happen how? Honestly Draco, you'll be dead. It's not as if you could just roam free and complain about the injustice of your insolence," Tyler frowned.

"You're sadistic!" Draco whimper-snarled, his gelled hair wilting under Tyler's unimpressed stare.

"I'm not sadistic, per se…" the Cauldwell heir started slowly, but quickly stopped as he overheard the boy-who-lived's tale he was telling at the long table to the right of the Slytherin's.

Turning around, Tyler was faced with the sight of Andrew's mouth curved up into a satisfied smirk and yapping about his great adventures with Ron and co. surrounding him, salivating at being so close to a celebrity. It. Was._ Terrifying_.

"So there I was, standing in the middle of a bloody battlefield with all of my enemies killed, and this huge Hungarian Horntail right across from me. Its tail was swinging and the spikes almost got me a few times, but my reflexes were obviously superior and I escaped its feeble attempts to kill me. After all, I vanquished the Dark Lord when I was only a year old," Andrew began, flapping his hand like a bird flaps its wings.

"Well, actually," Hermione Granger interrupted, injecting herself into Andrew's storytelling time, "Hungarian Horntails' tails aren't all that long; they only reach the dragon's front legs, so unless you were actually standing underneath or behind the dragon, which I know for a fact you weren't since you said it was _across_ from you and you were supposedly having a staring contest, its tail would be rendered useless."

_For once, Granger, I don't hate you._ Tyler cheered silently.

"Look, you stupid know-it-all, I'm the one telling the story-"

"A fake story, actually. I didn't hear about it at all when I was reading wizarding history books."

"They didn't catch it in time," Andrew said smugly.

"That's stupid. Journalists can cover stories that didn't happen that day, you know."

"It doesn't matter!" Andrew huffed, throwing his arms in the air in frustration. Directing his next words at his new minions, he said, "Ignore her. She was raised by muggles."

Ron and co. made a big, dramatic 'aaahhh' sound, as if Andrew had just explained all of life's secrets to them.

"Well, I'm not sure what saying I was raised by muggles is supposed to accomplish, but I can still _read_ like everyone else. I'm not illiterate," Hermione said primly, patting the napkin on her lap delicately.

"What are you, a princess? _I'm_ the famous one here," the boy-who-lived scoffed, looking at Hermione's napkin with contempt.

"What are you, a wild beast? _I'm_ the one with manners here," Hermione mocked, gesturing to Andrew's plate and general area, which looked as if a tornado blew through it.

"We've taken to calling him the beluga whale's protégée," Harry said nonchalantly, casually tossing a bowl of haggis over his shoulder.

"Who said that?" Seamus Finnigan asked, peering at the crowd around him suspiciously.

"More importantly, who threw that?!" An enraged Draco Malfoy asked slowly, standing up with a busted haggis perched on his head and flopping over his left eye.

"Someone who knew what they were doing, obviously. You look better like that Malfoy," Andrew snickered, and was quickly mimicked by the Ron Group.

"You slimy Slytherin! All of you are slimy snakes!" Ron bellowed, laughing loudly and occasionally throwing in a snort because, why not?

"You dare?!" Draco thundered, grabbing a small jar of blackberry preserves off of the table. With a roar, he sent the contents sailing through the air and flying onto Andrew Potter and Ronald McDonald Weasley.

"THAT STAINS YOU FREAKISH PIGNUT! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH TREATMENT! I AM THE BOY-WHO-LIVED AND I DEMAND YOU BE EXPELLED YOU WIMPY TEA COZY!" Andrew screamed, throwing a candy apple at Malfoy. Draco barely managed to dodge, allowing it to soar over to the other side of the Slytherin table and onto the freshly permed hair of Pansy Parkinson.

"A tea cozy…?" Harry murmured to himself, looking quizzically at his twin.

"STUPID! My father is on the Board of Governors, I couldn't possibly be expelled from this school! And-" Draco was interrupted, much to his annoyance and the relief of many others, by Pansy Parkinson, who had stood up and was fanning her very red face.

"EEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHWWKKK!" Her high pitched screamed shattered her glass and sent her pumpkin juice onto her shoes, inducing another bout of cawing- I mean screaming. Poor dear.

"Whaaaat? What do you want?! WHAT WHAT WHAT?! This is _me_ time!" Andrew whined, standing up as well to stomp his feet and twirl around in circles with spaghetti arms.

"My hair is ruined! And my brand new shoes! They were so expensive, they cost over 60 galleons!" Pansy wailed, breaking down and crying. Draco rolled his eyes and pushed her away from him, where she ungracefully fell on the floor and continued weeping into the wood.

Everything was somewhat silent until Fred and George Weasley entered the picture. Sharing identical mischievous grins, they each took a handful of random food and hurled it at the Slytherin table.

"FOOD FIGHT!" They screamed, laughing maniacally. Chaos erupted and the teachers just sat there and stared, stupefied.

Elizabeth sat at the Ravenclaw table with a large serving spoon attached to a multitude of bowls, plates, forks, and other such things to create a small catapult. She dumped a glob of mashed potatoes onto the spoon and angled it towards Andrew Potter.

"Well let's see…given the size and weight of the mashed potatoes, with the amount of force that can be applied and the range of motion for the spoon, adjusting it here should…" A small snap was heard and the potatoes went over the heads of the Hufflepuff and Slytherin tables to land messily on the boy-who-lived's perpetually windswept red hair. Andrew cringed and, growling, flung three boxes worth of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans into the air.

Sierra held an empty bowl in front of her face as a shield. Hearing the sound of things hitting her makeshift shield and then suddenly stopping, she lowered it and looked into the bowl, finding a few jelly beans. Picking up a pale pink bean, she cautiously popped it in her mouth, only to spit it out and start coughing so much her new Hufflepuff friends feared she had contracted the plague four seconds later.

"I knew I shouldn't have chosen the pink one. Pink things are never safe," she muttered, tossing the rest of Bertie Bott's beans into some casserole. "Ugh, I hate honey-baked ham."

"Andrew," Tyler called, smirking. "You wanted some pie? Here's your pie!" Andrew turned around and Tyler smashed a hot steak and kidney pie directly into his face. The boy-who-lived began yowling, only to stop after a minute.

"So is this…a facial? Perks of being me, obviously," he said smugly, patting the pie on his face.

"Yes. It's clearly a facial because it isn't as if we're all throwing food at you, Oh Famous One," Tyler drawled. Andrew patted the Cauldwell heir's shoulder sympathetically.

"Not everyone has it as good as me, mate."

"But…I don't even _like_ you."

"Don't be silly, everyone likes me!" Andrew responded cheerfully, trying and failing to subtly kick the Slytherin in the shin. Potter couldn't even _see_, for God's sake.

"You're deluding yourself, Potter. Soon you'll even think that you're able to defeat a Cerberus, get past Devil's Snare, win at chess, be a good seeker with flying keys, detect poison, and defeat Voldemort again."

"Don't say his name!" Andrew squeaked, gasping dramatically, clutching his chest.

"Do you realize how stupid you look? You have pie all over your face and I can't tell if you have any features other than a giant hole, which I'm _assuming_ is your mouth," Draco jeered, never one to miss a chance of poking fun at the boy-who-lived.

"Shut your pie-hole, Malfoy," Andrew snarled, waving his arms about in an attempt to find his new nemesis.

"Oh ho! Look who's talking, the walking face mask. Wait, that's just pie," Draco laughed, running a hand through his gelled hair.

"I wouldn't get too cozy either, Draco. I don't have sheep intestines on my head," Tyler said, dusting off his impeccably clean robes. How he managed to dodge all flying projectiles, the world may never know.

"Excuse me? You mean to say that this isn't a complimentary facial and that I'm really wearing pie like a fool?! Just you wait until I've told my father-"

"Oh, give it a rest, Potter. That line is already taken by Malfoy Jr. over here. That's plagiarism." Tyler sighed.

"DUMBLEDORE! O raisin, raisin, where are you, you old raisin?" The boy-who-lived wailed, wiping the pie off of his face and looking around for the wrinkled headmaster.

Dumbdoor stood up, his neon robes a complete eyesore. "STOP!" He glared at the students, all of whom had frozen and looked a complete mess. "This behavior is unacceptable! I will not tolerate my students having food fights at their leisure! Think about the real victims: the food," he paused looking over the crowd. Pointing out a particularly skinny kid, he continued, "Look! Look at him! So you should be _grateful_ and eat your food! It is unsalvageable now!"

Fumblemore sighed, massaging his temples and stroking his beard. "Teachers and prefects, come with me. We will have a meeting immediately. Everyone else, you are to clean the Great Hall until it is spotless before you return to your dorm rooms."

"But, sir," Elizabeth spoke up, hesitating only slightly. "We don't know where our common rooms are…"

"You'll find them eventually! You have seven years at this school to find your common rooms!"

"The passwords change at the end of the week, don't they?" Blaise Zabini asked, giving the headmaster an unimpressed stare. Dumbledore was silent until Sierra started humming.

"No, stop! Stop that! There won't be any singing while I'm here! Good. I mean, you have until the end of the week to find the correct entrance and discover the password!"

"When my father hears of this-" Draco began, his face turning red. The hall groaned.

"SAVE IT MALFOY!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is my writing season, isn't it? I'm writing so much already, and summer's only just begun! Anyway, please please please review this story! Thank you!**


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